Feelings of a Lost Girl Newsie
by UnknownNewsie
Summary: A girl gets used....her best friend finds out.....and it turns out for the worst...please read....i swear it gets better
1. Why do I feel lonely?

Being alone isn't what its cut out to be. I sat in the bunkroom staring around at all the boys who have been together for months, years. They are like family. I walk in here wishing I could have the same thing. But they don't know me. Family is something that I've always wanted. People who I can trust and always count on. I've never had my mother tell me that she says that she loves me. My father would always smile at me. Never saying a word about how much they care about me. I was sinking into a deep hole and all I needed was someone to care and help me out. But no one came.   
  
I'm falling in my own mind. How many people can really say that they went up to a stranger on the street and that stranger helped her get a job and a place to stay? Maybe I was just lucky. Maybe this time I can be able to trust someone and actually feel.......loved. Love. What does that mean? I thought love meant that you care for someone and no matter what they do, you will always care for them. Well if thats true, then how come my parents don't love me. I would figure that if I was in my mother's stomache for nine months then maybe she would love me. I don't know.  
  
The boys around here are way to kind to me. They always smile at me, and then some of them will come and talk to me and make sure I'm alright. How can they act like they care if they don't know me?   
  
I want to be part of them. I want to have a family that cares. I want friends who will always be there for me to talk to me. I want people there who will stick up for me even if I betray them. But can I ever get that? No. Not yet. I have to earn their respect. And they have to earn my trust. 


	2. The reason and the person

I guess I stopped trusting people after I was used. Many people know the man that took my virginity and just ran off the next morning, The next thing I knew was that he was with another girl.  
  
I guess he's a womanizer and I couldn't believe that I couldn't see it before. WHy did he have to use me like that?  
  
Well, I guess because I was in an alleyway and he offered a place to stay, but i didn't know that it meant his bed. I walked into that building right next to the Brooklyn Bridge, and faces were looking at me like I was scum of the Earth. Was I? I guess that's when I was taken to his bedroom.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~Flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"So whats' your name sweetface?"  
  
"My names Sami and yours?"  
  
"Me name is Spot Conlon and dis here is my lodging house."  
  
"Well, nice to meet you i guess." Spot came up to me and put his hand on my cheek and leaned in to kiss me. I guess I wasn't thinking because I kissed him back. And that kiss led to something that I will always regret.  
  
~~~~~~~~~End of Flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I felt a shiver go down my spine as I thought of that night. It was filled with so much passion and yet, i regretted it. The day after, I guess is when I lost all trust in guys. Because when I had awaken Spot was no where to be seen. So i searched Brooklyn for him, and as soon as I found him he told me that it was a one night thing and that he didn't settle down with anyone.  
  
So I ran to Manhattan and found a newsie on the streets who offered a bunk at their lodging house. As long as they didn't know that i was one of Spots 'whores' then I guess i'd be all right.   
  
I guess the boys here got used to me because they weren't mean to me. They kept their distance but also tried to get me to open up to them. The one person who I've opened up to a little bit was Racetrack. I don't know why, but I felt like he's dealt with crap before so he can handle me. No one knew that i could talk but Racetrack. He was the one that had brought me to the Lodging House.   
  
I looked up. It must've been around 7 at night because the guys were getting ready to head out to Medda's. I loved Irving Hall, it was my favorite place to go. I loved watching Medda walk across the stage and hypnotize each person with the lyrics that came out of her mouth. Medda was another person I could talk to. I came to her one day and we talked for awhile. The next thing I knew I was singing on stage with Medda in front of an empty hall. I'm glad no one saw me sing, because I wouldn't be able to take it with all the questions on why i've been so quiet.  
  
"Heya Sami, can Ise talk ta yas?" I looked to my left and saw Racetrack. I nodded and we both walked out to the fire escape. It was June so it was quite warm out. I was wearing a blue button up shirt and some pants that i rolled up to my knees. I had a few other pairs of clothing but they were either long sleeved or shirts that i wear to Medda's only.   
  
"What do yas want Race?"  
  
"Youse going ta Medda's?"  
  
"Ise didn't know youse could talk." Both of our heads turned to the window and saw Jack come out. He quietly closed the window and walked over to us on the stairs.   
  
"What do yas want Jackey boy, don't yas see dat Ise talking ta Sami?"  
  
"Yea but Ise didn't know she could talk or Ise would have asked her to talk ta her me self."  
  
"You knows dat Ise still here, so youse two can stop talking like Ise aint here."  
  
"Why'd youse keep it a secret?"  
  
"Cause Ise don't feel like talking much."  
  
"Can youse leave us be fer awhile Jack, Ise gotta talk ta er." Jack nodded and left and both me and Race checked to make sure he closed the window all the way. "Like Ise was saying-"  
  
"Youse weren't saying anytin."  
  
"Oh...well now Ise am. Youse want ta go ta Medda's wit me den tomorrow sell wit me at SheepsHead?"  
  
"Whyse youse asking now?"  
  
"Well because Conlon's coming in tonight and he always asks da goil newsies." I felt myself tense up to that last name.  
  
"Spot Conlon?"  
  
"Yea youse know im?"  
  
"Ise don't wanna talk bout it. But can youse do me a favor?"  
  
"Yea sure, anytin."  
  
"Can youse make sure he doesn't come near me. Ise got problems wit him, and make sure none of da boys talk bout me."  
  
"Yea sure. But whyse youse keeping stuff away from me."  
  
"Cause its stuff dat no one needs ta know." Racetrack nodded and we both went back inside and got ready for Meddas. I knew deep down that this was going to be a night that I would never forget..... 


	3. Alone once again

Why did I get myself into this mess? I don't want to go to Medda's if Spots there. I don't care if he isn't going to recognize me. I know that if Im put into the same room as him I will explode. I don't know why, but I probably hate Spot more then I hate my own self. If thats possible.   
  
"Youse ready?" I nodded and Race's question. He held out his arm for me that I gladly took. We walked down the stairs and right when we were going to walk out a couple of boys came in. One I recognized as Spot Conlon.  
  
"Youse gotta new goil Race?" He asked Race and took my hand and gave it a kiss.  
  
"No she's just me friend."  
  
"Well she sure is a doll face." Most of the boys were down there and they didn't know I could talk. But I had to say something here.  
  
"Ger yer lazy ass away from me you stupid womanizer!" I let go of Race and pushed Spot back and walked out. On my way I could hear him say,  
  
"What's up her ass?" I just walked faster. I knew I should have said anything, I knew it. God damn you Sami. You had to open your freaking mouth. And especially in front of Spot. Race came running up to me and put his arm around my shoulders.  
  
"Youse okay?"  
  
"No. Now everybody knows Ise can talk."  
  
"Ise don't tink dats da woise of yer problems. What do youse have against Conlon?"  
  
"He's a freaking womanizer and Ise don't wanna be near him. Gotta problem wit it?"  
  
"No actually Ise glad. Ise don't want youse getting hoit by him. And Ise especially don't want youse ta be one of his one night stands." OH how he didn't know. I wanted to tell Race, you gotta believe me. I just can't always have someone there for me.  
  
"Ise hate im soo much and Ise don't wanna ever be near him."  
  
"I really don't understand."  
  
"Youse know how youse said dat youse don't want me ta be one of da goils he used."  
  
"Yea. It aint dat hard ta forget since Ise said it like two minutes ago." I rolled my eyes at him.  
  
"Well da truth is.....he did use me." He stopped and I looked back at him.  
  
"What did youse say?"  
  
"Nutting. Now lets get ta Medda's." I started walking and he grabbed my arm and looked at me. I looked into his eyes and I saw anger and disappointment all in one.   
  
"How could youse?"  
  
"Ise wasn't tinking."  
  
"Dats no excuse. How? When? Why? WHAT?"  
  
"Ise am soo sorry."  
  
"No yer not. And youse have da right ta treat Spot dat way in dere? He doesn't deserve dat."  
  
"How could youse say dat? He sleeps wit every goil he sees. Promises each one of dem da Woild, says dat dey are da only one fer him. And he doesn't deserve it. Ise deserve shit fer actually believing him."  
  
"Ise.....Ise just so disappointed in youse. Ise tought youse were different. But yer like every other whore." He walked off into the darkness where the lamps weren't lit. Why did I tell him that? I lost my friend, my only friend. I was so stupid. HOw could I do this? What was I thinking. I quickly ran into an alley and curled myself into a ball and I let the tears fall silently down my cheeks. How could I let myself do this over and over? I can't keep getting hurt and hurt over and over again because of my stupidity....when am I going to learn not to trust anyone? I pulled out my pocket knife from my pocket. I looked at my wrists and saw the scars from before. I didn't want to die, cutting just relieves my stress and stuff for the moment. I slowly cut myself, letting myself feel the pain and I cut myself deeper and wider. I stopped when I could feel the blood dripping from my arm to the concrete. I took out my bandana and wrapped it tightly around my cut and put some pressure on it. I was tired from crying soo much so I decided to sleep there.   
  
I woke up the next morning with a pretty sore back. It was pretty bright out so I guessed it was near lunch time. I looked at my wrists and the blood had seeped through the bandana. I took off the bandana, it was a little painful since it healed with the bandana on. SO now parts of the scab were bleeding. Now if I only go back to the Lodging House without no one seeing and grab a long sleeve shirt. I got up. I walked out of the alley and I could see the Lodging House from where I was standing. I quickly walked into the Lodging House ignoring the questions from the Kloppmann. I quickly changed my shirt and my money bag underneath my pillow. I knew that I would have to work for extra money just in case I couldn't get the morning edition. I took 50 cents out of the bag and replaced the bag underneath my mattress. I ran downstairs and out the door without talking to the Kloppmann. I quickly ran to Tibby's because I knew some people would wonder where I was. I silently stepped into Tibby's and walked over to the table with Jack, Race, Spot, and Blink.  
  
"Can ISe sit here?" Jack nodded moving in so I could sit down.  
  
"Where youse been?"  
  
"Places." I am trying so hard to change the topic by showing that I had no interest in where I was.  
  
"What are youse doing wearing a long sleeved shoit when its 90* out?" Blink asked and I just shrugged. "How come wese didn't know youse could talk?"   
  
"Didn't feel like talking ta anyone Ise guess."  
  
"Youse talked ta Race." Jack stated.  
  
"Whats wit all da questions?" I stood up and walked out of Tibby's. I don't need to be asked 20 questions. And plus, I hate that game. I walked for a little bit, not knowing where I was going. I didn't care anymore. I just needed to be by myself.   
  
______________  
  
Thanks for reviewing people, now you gotta do it again, and if you review you get a.......  
  
GRAPE CAKE!!!!  
  
ok so i like grapes.....so?  
  
SaMi~! 


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